Prelude: Apologies and Forgiveness

This issue of Gathering is all about apologies and forgiveness. This led me to think on a more granular level, not about the national United Church official apologies, but more about day-to-day relationships between staff and the congregation and also within the staff team. 

We all know that clergy-musician relationships can be difficult sometimes. There is often a certain amount of pride and ownership over our roles in the church, and when someone crosses a behavioural boundary, or we feel like someone isn’t “staying in their lane,” or it feels like we are being taken for granted, it can cause harm. Sometimes we can say something or act in a way that wasn’t intended to harm, but hurt is still felt by one of our colleagues or by a volunteer. 

In “Making a Pastoral Apology” (available online), Chuck Fuller, a theologian and professor at Anderson University in South Carolina, says, “If you’re a ministry leader in any capacity, it will happen to you, too. You’ll make a wrong decision or say the wrong thing, and you’ll become quickly aware that you hurt people or damaged the ministry.” He advises that you don’t wait long to offer an apology. Be proactive. 

Fuller suggests that a sincere apology should include three elements. 

1. State the offense. Be clear. Explain the mistake and the pain or problem it likely caused. You committed the offense, and an apology should include a clear sense of what you’re apologizing for. 

2. Own the offense. Take full responsibility. Don’t pass the blame or share the blame. 

3. Promise change. Show that you’ve thought about how you will avoid making the same mistake in the future. Communicate the measures you will take to improve. Provide accountability. Listen to the other person and consider what they are saying, even if it hurts. 

Fuller concludes that “a demonstration of honesty and vulnerability will build trust between you and the people you serve.” 

In my relationships in the church, I’ve tried to live up to the biblical admonition from Matthew 18:15–17, which encourages us to speak directly to the person who has “sinned,” who has caused harm, and if that doesn’t work, take it to one or two others (ministry and personnel, perhaps), and if that doesn’t work, take it to the church. We know that sometimes that doesn’t work, either. Relationships can be difficult, and apologies and forgiveness both require hard work, too. 

Tammy-Jo Mortensen, 
Gathering Music Editor